Meltdown – A Parents Nightmare

A child’s Meltdown is every parent’s worst nightmare. Normally over something so small and inconceivable but to the child there world is ending and you, yes you are the twat that’s created this shit storm.

Last week I was that twat, after consuming enough apple juice to fill a child’s paddling pool I made the foolish suggestion that before we continue our journey home – with 9 and a half ours still to go it would be a good idea if we all went to the toilet before we left this lovely, peaceful, idyllic café.

All the signs were present, the foot shuffle, the jigging around and the random hands around the genitals, it doesn’t take a genius to realise the next stage.

As a parent we have all experienced the point blank refusal, no amount of negotiation, pleading is going to change that little persons mind.

Being a parent is often about picking your battles, this was probably one battle I was never going to win, but I’m competitive, I cant let a 4 year win on the subject of going to the toilet.

Therefore he was going to use that toilet, even if I had to drag him there myself.

Trying to navigate a screaming 4 year old through a small café with legs and arms 60% of the time hitting the required targets (my face and balls) isn’t easy at all. The sheer embarrassment that you are a bad parent with those looking on in disgust and tutting under their breath – everyone is a critic these days, but before you judge consider this, travelling 9 and a half hours in car that stinks of piss… exactly…..he needs to go to the fucking toilet.

The jiggling had now increased to a level and speed only seen by Richard Flatley, with screams and tears this was a nightmare, I only wanted him to go for a piss.

But it’s the small things that focus a child’s attention and on that morning my hero was a spoon, I am not entirely sure why such an establishment would have a spoon at the bottom of its pristine toilet bowl but they did and I am thankful for that. All of his attention and focus was now on hitting that spoon.

With a happy child, we settled our bill and began to walk to our car – perfectly positioned right outside the café.

I don’t want to sit in the back – Meltdown number 2!