It has been some time, I had known that something wasn’t right, but the ability, or even the inclination to sort it out was lacking, what was wrong with me, why am I feeling like this. Its not depression, I don’t do depression – I accept it exists but it just isn’t who I am. Where the fuck is my mojo – how the hell do I get it back.
The alarm goes off and I instantly want to hit the mute or snooze button, I love my job always have done but the thought of going into work recently has taken a dark edge, am I not challenged enough…..my head was recently turned for a new role but the timing was all wrong I guess this has some underlying involvement too. Is it the twins – the anticipation, the unknown, is my body reserving its energy and commitment waiting to explode like a coiled spring and to become supper nanny – I doubt it.
Something is missing and its killing me, If I look back it probably started about 3 months previously, nothing evidently had changed, except my routine at home. The Gym, I haven’t been to the gym for 3 months, I have no excuse. I am fortunate enough to have a gym at home, treadmill, free weights, a cable machine and a bench press. This is what’s missing – I dragged and I mean dragged my arse out of bed the other day – and I felt amazing, the feeling lasted for a couple of days; this is where my mojo is, feeling great and looking great. We are simple, if we believe we look good we feel good, but is it this that is completely wrong with society – we are to focused upon how we look against our peer group rather that allowing what makes us happy to create an image externally?
With the expectant twin daughters on the way – this is something I do genuinely worry about, as a parent/father it is your job to project your children throughout, but I accept that this isn’t always either possible or practical. How do you create a mechanism to counter act the worry or the constant thought of protection?
Commitment to Myself
I understand that it is going to become increasingly difficult with the impending arrival of the twins but I need to make the effort – I have committed to at least 3 visits per week, I need my mojo I honestly am a different person both in work and at home, its crazy I haven’t felt this low for months.
On another subject the new pram (2nd pram) arrived over the weekend, I wasn’t impressed and for what little opinion I have I preferred the Uppababy – my wife will suggest that this is because of the £400 price difference, she has a point, but I still preferred the Uppababy – only time will tell and we both know that the moment my wife criticises the new pram BOOM I will be there with an ever loving tone – told you so!